On July 15th, 2019, my husband and I decided to separate.
It wasn’t a shock or a surprise. We had been on and off with the idea of separating and/ divorcing for quite some time. While I won’t get into detail about our relationship, to put it simple was toxic.
Toxic to the point where we’d both have trouble getting through the day, functioning at work or even getting up in the morning to face the day. There were many lows – more lows than highs in our relationship.
Things began to escalate after the twins were born. Divorce rates are high as is; couple that with twins and it goes up.
While I didn’t want to share this at all on my blog, I just simply have not had the mindset to blog. Very little is giving me joy anymore and I find myself struggling during these winter months. The weekend that it was 60+ degrees was a God send to perk me up for a bit, but that was short lived.
I had a whole future planned out with my husband. It’s hard to live day by day knowing my future is a blank canvas. I know a person isn’t what makes or breaks you, but talking with him of our dreams and aspirations with each other once the children leave the house, to know none of that will exist with him is hard.
On September 3rd, 2019, the day of our third wedding anniversary, my husband had moved out of our house and also filed for divorce. I didn’t realized what that day it was until I got the letter in the mail.
My soul felt so empty.
How could we love each other so much that it led to this? I’ve read countless things and it’s one of those “if you love you each other that much, you know that you need to let each other go in order to grow.”
On October 5th, 2019 we talked and decided to stop the divorce. At the time, financially and time wise, it didn’t make sense. We both would have to take a child impact class that would cost almost $200 a piece plus find 4 hours each to take this class.
We have very minimal time in the week to interact as is because when I work, he’s off and vice versa. We couldn’t afford to take any days off or pay for a babysitter as we already were behind about $800 in bills.
I wasn’t ready to give up my married title as bad as our relationship was. I was hoping that overtime we would realize that were needed to grow up and learn how to be better people to each other and for the kids.
The love was and is still there, so why couldn’t we try again and just take it slow? On January 24th, 2020, after almost four months of “trying” to repair the damage, my husband said enough was enough. He saw how much damage our relationship had done and couldn’t bear to see things continue to go in a downward spiral.
He said to me that I was no longer the same person he fell in love with. That I had become unhappy and lost my smile. That when he first met me I was full of life, energetic and had to whole world ahead of me.
We were together for almost six years.
I don’t regret any minute of it for our three children would not be on this Earth. They are the only light in my darkness. I believe that everyone you meet is for a reason. Whether it’s for a short period of time or forever. This isn’t the end for us as we will always interact having children together; come parent teacher conferences, graduation, college move in day, weddings, grandchildren, etc.
While that is a comforting thought, it still hurts.
I have many fears; fear of him finding someone who my children like and what if they like them better than me? I fear having to do things alone and although he says if anything happens at anytime, he’ll be there (and he is), it’s just not the same as if he was actually here.
By my side and as my husband.
It feels good to get this out there and off my chest. Maybe this helps someone else not feel alone too. But it was time as I have accepted my reality.
I just need to heal now and move forward. ❤
Featured Photo: Headless Horseman Bridge in Sleepy Hollow, NY